


Let this be a consolation, I have a reservation in your heart, to build my walls of guilt

by Frog_that_writes



Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, and also they're stressed teens who don't know what they're doing, beverly is fucked up y'all, he apologizes for stupid shit like the little hero complex having lad he is, i love him so much, kinda implied to be ptsd but i don't say that in this so??, no beta we die like men, so sometimes they handle stuff bad, so they just apologize and do better, the title is some bullshit i just made up, this is a fantasy world so they don't have a Super Great understanding of mental stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frog_that_writes/pseuds/Frog_that_writes
Summary: Beverly has a panic attack. Erlin tries to help.
Relationships: Erlin Kindleaf/Beverly Toegold V
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	Let this be a consolation, I have a reservation in your heart, to build my walls of guilt

**Author's Note:**

> pretty graphic description of a panic attack ahead, so if that's not great for ya' please feel free to skip this fic!

Something was wrong. Beverly didn’t know much, but he knew that. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was or what he was doing or how exactly he knew he was in danger, but he did know and that was the important part. He was panicked, breath coming in bursts that he choked around, and he didn’t think he could gather himself enough to remember how to cast spells, but he knew he had his sword, if he could grab it. But it wasn’t at his hip, for some reason, and that was bad, because if he didn’t have his sword he couldn’t fight back. He wasn’t sure what he was fighting back against, but he knew just sitting here was a bad idea.

A hand was grabbing onto his, and that was even worse, because that meant there was someone there, and he wasn’t doing very well to protect them at the moment. He gripped their hand back and tried to pull them closer. That would do something, at least, maybe. Hopefully. 

“Dude,” someone was saying. “I’m here for you, but you gotta loosen your grip up a bit, you’re hurting me.”

Oh shit, that was bad. He dropped the hand, but now he was realizing how empty his hands were, without the crackle of divine energy or the weight of his sword. He scrambled for some sort of purchase, eventually finding his hands tangled in his hair, tugging. The pain was grounding him a bit, and he was starting to think a bit more clearly. He didn’t remember anything leading up to this moment that would mean he was in danger. But then again, danger had struck quickly in the past.

The hands from before were gently pulling his own out of his hair, maintaining a loose grip as they brought them down to his lap. Why was he sitting? It was easier to fight back while standing up, and if he stood he could protect whoever was with him.

“Why don’t you open your eyes?” The voice that must have been attached to the hands suggested. He knew he recognized the voice, but he couldn’t place it, his mind dedicated solely to the purpose of how to get out of this alive.   
He was processing what they said now. Were his eyes closed? He pulled them open with no small effort, looking around frantically before his sight fell on Erlin. Shit, Erlin.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he managed, even though speaking felt like wrenching each word from his throat around his breath. “Not safe.”

“Where are we Bev?” Erlin asked, not sounding at all panicked, which made him pause. Where were they indeed.

“I don’t know,” he said, feeling his eyes closing again, panic growing. Erlin tightened his grip.

“Yes you do,” he argued. “C’mon dude, you can do it.”

He didn’t know. Erlin shouldn’t have this much faith in him. Everyone thought he was some sort of hero, but he  _ wasn’t. _ He wasn’t good enough to save people, he wasn’t even good enough to breath properly. 

But Erlin was asking him to try, and he had already failed him far too many times in the past. So he would try. He could feel something closing in on all sides, but he wasn’t sure what it was. He could feel something beneath him, soft and comforting, so he probably wasn’t in a cave. And when he opened his eyes, it felt like it took forever, it felt like his eyelids were made of the same heavy metal he wore as armour, he could see a familiar wallpaper through a blur. There were items scattered throughout the room that he recognized, and his breathing began to slow. There was no one else in the room, besides the hafling next to him. On the wall, a clock was ticking, and outside a storm was raging. Next to him, Erlin was staring at him patiently, waiting for a response.

“House,” he said eventually, carefully scanning the entire room before he was sure. “Safe.” he closed his eyes.

“You doing okay?” Erlin asked, carding a hand through his hair. The gentleness of it was a stark contrast to the ache he could still feel from where he had been tugging before. He nodded, the movement slow.

“Sorry,” he whispered, half collapsing onto his boyfriend. 

“You shouldn’t be,” Erlin said, which was a very nice lie. 

Beverly should sit up. He should smile and reassure him he was fine and get rid of that concern in his voice, but his unearned exhaustion was weighing heavy on him and his boyfriend’s shoulder was so comfortable. He wanted to sleep, suddenly, as the edges of panic wore off. He was piecing it together, now, the way a shitty day and a thunderstorm that reminded him too much off magically summoned lightning barreling down on him combined to form a panic attack. 

“Sorry,” he said again, before remembering he had just said that. “Thank you.”

“Don’t,” Erlin said. “Don’t be sorry, dude, I get it. I have panic attacks all the time, and you’re always there for me. S-so, don’t think you can’t be not-okay sometimes too, allright?”

Beverly holds back what he wants to say.  _ It’s justified for you. You were imprisoned in a crystal, all I did was fight a god.  _ He  _ knows  _ it’s illogical, knows his friends and his mom and dad don’t think that he’s overreacted to what they went through. But he can’t help feeling that way anyways. Emotions have very rarely helped him, and he’s always attempted to bury them on a matter of principle. It was helpful in the middle of a war, the way he could pretend nothing hurt for the sake of saving the world, but now it feels like all his feelings are spilling out of their neat little containers at the most inopportune times. It feels infinitely harder to bury them a second time.

And Erlin is still staring at him, still waiting for the right answer, and Beverly’s not going to leave him hanging.

“Right.”

“Say it.”  _ What? _

“What?” Erlin shifts so that Beverly is still leaning into him, but now he can look into his eyes. Oh uh. 

“Say you’re allowed to have feelings.”

Beverly laughs for a moment, more startled than genuinely amused, before sobering as he realizes that Erlin is still staring at him seriously. Oh, he was serious.

“Of course I am,” he smiled, hoping it looked reassuring. 

“Say it then,” Erlin narrowed his eyes. 

“Um,” Beverly stuttered, feeling a pit grow in his stomach. He wanted to just say it, not entirely sure what Erlin was going for, but the words felt impossible. He was still a little blurry around the edges, not entirely out of his panic induced fight or flight response, and he’s really not sure what he’s doing wrong here, but Erlin’s stopped playing with his hair and now he looks angry and  _ shit  _ he’s let him down, hasn’t he?

“Shit,” Erlin swore, instantly gentling. “I’m sorry, that was way too intense. You literally just got done having a panic attack, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Beverly’s breath, which had momentarily begun to spike again, slowed down, and he carefully counted out his breaths until he could speak again. 

“S’okay,” he reassured, collapsing on him a little further. “Sorry.”

“See, dude, that’s what I’m talking about,” Erlin groaned. “I just flipped out on you and you apologized to me.”

It may have been the current off balance of chemicals inside him, but Beverly was really having a hard time keeping up. He had done something wrong, clearly, but Erlin didn’t want him to apologize? Should he apologize for saying he’s sorry? But that might make Erlin mad again, and while Beverly’s obviously not scared of him freaking out or anything, he doesn’t want to disappoint him. He knew for sure that they weren’t in any immediate danger, but it seems his body hadn’t fully caught up with that memo yet, because he still felt shaky and wrong and he really wished his brain wasn’t taking so long to catch up.

“I know you really don’t need a lecture right now,” Erlin continued. “But I also know you’re thinking too hard, and you need to give yourself a break, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed. He really didn’t have much of a choice, when he was now somehow even more exhausted. Besides, a break did sound nice. Maybe if he just stopped thinking for a few minutes he could calm down enough to stop feeling his heart thud in his chest loud enough to rival an army. 

“Good,” Erlin nodded, leaning forward to press a kiss to his forehead. Despite everything, Beverly smiled. “Wanna talk about it?” He shook his head, burying his head back into Erlin’s shoulder. He felt him shift slightly as he laughed, moving an arm around him and pulling him closer. “Alright babe, take a nap.”

“Just closing my eyes for a second,” Beverly argued. Erlin laughed again.

“Love you dude.”

“Love you too.”

And it wasn’t one big bed, the one method of sleeping Beverly always counted on to put him out nearly before his head hit the pillow (though, to be fair, that may have had something to do with the long day of battles that usually led up to it) but he still feel asleep quickly, sure in the knowledge that he was safe. 

**Author's Note:**

> finally finished naddpod (a week too late to listen to the finale live, damn) so beverly angst here we come!!!! i love him so much, this is very kill your darlings of me lmao  
> i hope you all enjoyed! this is my first time writing anything for this fandom, so i'm sure this is pretty ooc, but i'll work on it! i just like to make myself cry while writing  
> please leave a comment or a kudo if you enjoyed! i'll love you forever!


End file.
